Now that was a Final! But why take my word for it? Here’s the 2024 Champ himself, recapping the roller coaster that was the Sunday slate:

It was indeed the Giants’ remarkable rookie WR who kept Pain Train in the game. Stooges made merry first in the early slate of Week 17 games, piling up about 46 points from WR Xavier Worthy and QB Bo Nix on Wednesday and Saturday respectively, and then added about 83 in Sunday’s early action. Those 128.66 points were the fourth-most the Stooges had scored all year, following up an even better Semifinals performance from the fellas — 142.42, their second-best output of the year. Stooges were on a roll. Could Pain keep up?

Yes, Reader. He could. To his 13 Saturday points, Pain added another 88 in the early window. Rookie Nabers accounted for 38.1 of them, and rookies Brian Thomas Jr and Brock Bowers added another 38 combined. Come Sunday night, Pain Train lagged Stooges by about 28, and when rookie QB Jayden Daniels delivered nearly 32 on Sunday Night Football, the Championship belonged to Pain Train.

The 2024 ring is Max’s third, tying him with Jim for second-most titles won since 2004; both trail Juice, with four. Impressive, yes. But amusingly (maddeningly?), all of Pain Train’s titles have come off a regular season with less than eight wins. In 2021, Max won from the eighth seed with a 7-7 record; in 2015, he won from the seventh seed with a 7-6 record. This year, he came all the way from the eighth seed with a 6-8 record. It’s our third Champ with a losing record: Only Buckguys (6-7) in 2016 and Juice (5-8) in 2010 have won a title the same way.

Which is not to suggest anything cheap about this ‘ship. Pain Train pummeled his playoff opposition; the 13-point win in the Final was by far his closest of the run, and his 483 points scored over that span were 100 more than It’s All About The U, with the second-most. (Stooges were third, by the way.) His 166.44 in the first round was at that point his best of the year, and then he eclipsed that with 174.82 in the second round. His 141.78 in the Final was his fifth-best of year. It’s the most dominating James Gang title run ever, or at least since 2004:

• 483 points scored in quarters/semis/final combined, Pain Train 2024
• 441 points, Heavy Flight 2011
• 418 points, Heavy Flight 2023
• 410 points, Dollz 2009
• 409 points, Dollz 2019

How did he do it? Duh. With that all-star cast of rookies, of course. (Cast of all-star rookies?) His youngsters (see below) scored 20+ points nine separate times; throw in five more 20+ performances from assorted vets, and you get a league-leading 14 times a lineup slot produced 20+ points in the playoffs. The runner-up, fittingly, was Three Stooges with eight 20+ performers. (Only in the Consolation Ladder, with Hounds’ 11 and Heavy Flight’s 9, did anyone get closer to Pain’s mark.)

Even better (or worse): Five of Pain’s 20+ guys actually went for 30+. There were only 17 such performances in the playoffs, and Max accounted for nearly a third. The U and Thinkers each fielded three; Bama Men had two; and Buckguys, Dollz, S*Heads and Stooges had one each. (Another seven guys had 30+ for Consolation Ladder teams: three for Hounds; two for Flight, and one each for Commodes and Juice.)

As playoff performances go, it was pretty much a no-doubter for two rounds and then a nailbiter in the third. Those three playoff wins elevate Max into rare league air: his three rings rank him second only to Pops since 2004, as mentioned, as do his 17 playoff wins. (Juice has 19.) He’s also reached six Finals, more than any of us. That he’s done so with just eight winning seasons in 17 years is, well, remarkable. Also, infuriating.

Finally, the table we’ve all been waiting for: the 2024 Payouts. But first, our Consolation Ladder:

Thank you. And now…. The Payouts.

[‘Welcome to the Jungle’ plays softly underneath]

It’s a Final with extra flavor: In their first year in the league — their first year in fantasy football of any kind — the Three Stooges face Pain Train, one of the most accomplished and formidable managers in James Gang. (Dare we say “venerable” about young Max?)

A win would be the Stooges’ first ring, of course, and would mark them as only the second ‘Ganger to claim the crown in their rookie season. (The other is It’s All About The U, in 2005.)

A win for Pain Train would be his third, tying Max for second all-time (with Heavy Flight) and just one behind Juice, with four titles. More impressively, Pain Train is playing in his third Final in four years and his sixth in ten. It’s also his 14th playoff appearance since 2008, and his 12th in 13 years.

No, there’s nothing noob about Pain Train, so why the “rookiery” Dad joke? Because while Rich, Bob and Perry are rookies, it’s his rookie players who have powered Max to the title game. Here’s how it happened:

Regular Season Record

Three Stooges stunned the league by jumping out to a 4-0 record and claiming the Best Start Bonus. The team scored the third-most points over this period (trailing only Alabama Men and S*Heads), thanks mainly to a running game that put up 181 points (second only to Dollz). Things cooled off considerably over the next ten games: both scoring and scoring margin were 13th in the league (977 points scored, 205 fewer than their opponents), resulting in just three wins. That 7-7 mark earned them the seventh seed in the playoffs, where the fellas got their mojo back: the third-most points scored of all eight teams across two rounds, including the fourth-highest single game score.

Unfortunately for Stooges, the team they face has scored the most points in the playoffs and owns the two best single game scores. Scoring points really hasn’t been an issue for Pain Train all year: his 1582.28 were the fifth-most in the regular season, just four points out of third; and seven times, he posted a top five weekly score. So why was Pain Train just 6-8? The problem (for him) was that Pain’s opponents also scored lots of points, the fourth-most in total after Hurt Locker, Fartz and Commodes. Nevertheless, Pain Train persevered, and when Heavy Flight fell just 0.7 points short of a seventh win in the final minute of the season, Max grabbed the eighth seed over Jim on the points tiebreaker (see below). And he has been a holy terror ever since.

Roster Overview

This week, Pain Train starts seven players ranked in the top 11 of PRK, most notably TE1 Brock Bowers and QB4 Jayden Daniels. WR7 Brian Thomas Jr and WR10 Malik Nabers also take the field, as does K7 Jake Bates. WR37 Marvin Harrison Jr is on the bench. They’re all rookies (Bates played in the UFL out of college last year), and were all drafted by Pain Train, except for Bates who was claimed off waivers. As Max himself posted back in Week 4, “Pain Train only plays rookies.” (Although he does make exceptions for RB9 James Cook and RB11 Chase Brown.)

There’s no shortage of youngsters on Three Stooges’ roster, either. QB10 Bo Nix leads the fellas into battle this weekend, and WR24 Xavier Worthy already has put up 23 points in the Christmas Day game. (WR74 Keon Coleman is on the bench.) Veteran firepower is led by K7 Chase McLaughlin, D/ST 9 Buffalo, TE10 Hunter Henry and RB19 Jonathan Taylor. Unfortunately for Stooges, their best (and veteran) contributors are out: RB7 Alvin Kamara and TE8 David Njoku.

Game Predictions

ESPN calls the game for Pain Train, 125 – 110
Football Pros also has Pain, 118 – 110
Football Guys completes the hat trick with Pain 136 – 114

It came down to the last minute of the final regular season game of the year. Heavy Flight trailed Alabama Men by about three, and with a win would claim the final playoff spot at 7-7. With a loss, 6-8 Flight would be out and 6-8 Pain Train would be in, based on points tiebreaker.

So when Flight’s guy, CeeDee Lamb, took the field with the trailing Cowboys in hurry-up mode, Flight had to think that Cooper Rush would target him. And sure enough on the first play, Rush hit Lamb for 15 yards. Flight now trailed by 0.7 points, and there was still plenty of time and timeouts left. A QB scramble, a sack and a short toss to the TE later, it was suddenly fourth down with 00:24 on the clock. One last chance, and with it Rush threw it nowhere near the closest Cowboy… who wasn’t CeeDee anyway. Flight lost the game by those 0.7 points and with it a place in the playoffs, for only the second time in the past eight years. And Pain Train is in.

I guess the moral here is, Don’t Mess With Max.

And now, just in time for your Holiday shopping…

Here’s the payouts so far, based on the regular season. There’s still $1175 in the kitty for playoff rewards, so the earning ain’t over yet. And the Consolation Ladder is out there, too, for the six teams who didn’t qualify for the playoffs.

Scenario Time again, ‘Gangers. There seem to be only 30 ways the final standings now can play out, and they’re presented in the gallery below. Also included is a handy dandy key, to help reduce your eye strain. If you’re Thinkers, for example, you can consult the key and go straight to the losing scenarios, and find that your own son may have sealed your playoff fate. Take back the gifts, honey! That kid’s getting nothing but coal this year.

The scenarios show playoff seeding as determined by final record, total points scored as of Week 13, points scored this weekend so far, adjusted total points scored, ESPN projected points tonight, and projected final points. For trailing teams to rally, I’ve given them the necessary points; for example, Heavy Flight needs 22 tonight from CeeDee Lamb to rally past Bama Men; and Pain Train needs 63 to overtake Juice. Similarly, The U has to fall about 20 points short of its projected 61 points for Three Stooges to hang on for the win.

Please note: The Hounds vs Dollz possible results are included because a potential Dollz loss impacts the seeding. Hounds are eliminated even with a win over Pops. Similarly, a win by The U affects the seeding as well; it also imperils Three Stooges’ place in the playoffs. Stooges win and they’re in; Stooges lose and in three scenario (25, 28 and 30), they’re out.

There are about 180 ways this weekend can play out. Your mission, ‘Gangers, if you decide to accept it: In the gallery below, find the scenarios that either put you in the playoffs or give you a shot at a playoff slot. Projected final standings (and playoff seeding) is based on each team’s week 14 result and final regular season record. Current scoring totals are included as well. They’re important, because that number PLUS YOUR WEEK 14 SCORE will break any ties.

A Reader writes: “Am I already eliminated from the playoffs? I mean, wtf?” Dear Reader, you may well be in deep doo-doo, but… you’re not out of it, yet. (The playoffs, I mean; not necessarily the doo-doo.) For I am here to tell you that in the past 11 seasons (2013 to 2023), NINE teams with 6 wins (your ceiling) have made the playoffs. (Fifteen haven’t, but let’s not dwell on the negative.) Of course, those six wins don’t exist in a vacuum, and there’s a lot of traffic blocking your path. But you’ve got that going for you, which is… nice?

Here’s a more interesting exercise, however. We’ve just hit the halfway point of the season. How much does past performance guarantee future results? (Max would tell us, Not much.) But how closely does a team’s record after eight games correlate to making the playoffs? Let’s find out.

				Results 2013 – 2023
Record		Current Team/s		Total Teams	Playoff Teams	Finalists	Champs
8 – 0		None		0	0	0	0
7 – 1		None		10	10	4	2
6 – 2		Alabama Men		21	20	6	4
5 – 3		Buckguys, Dollz, Fartz, Three Stooges		22	16	3	2
4 – 4		Heavy Flight, Hounds, Juice, OverThinkers, Pain Train, S*Heads, The U		41	27	4	1
3 – 5		None		30	12	4	2
2 – 6		Hurt Locker		21	3	1	0
1 – 7		None		6	0	0	0
0 – 8		Straight Outta The Commode		0	0	0	0

Straight Outta The Commode (above) is 0-7 to start the season. That’s… unfortunate. But it’s not the league record. Andy actually is still one loss shy of joining another ‘Ganger as the only teams to begin a season 0-8.

Can he avoid the ignominy? In his favor: Andy faces OverThinkers this week, a foe that’s scored almost as few points (664 to 587, or second-worst to worst), and has barely more 100+ games (three to two, also second-worst to worst). And, Commode actually starts more top-ten PRK players (two to one, again second-worst to worst)! Somehow he’s a 20-point dog, but when has ESPN ever got the projections right?

Here’s the thing, though: At 0-7, Andy walks in the footsteps of giants. Also, his father. But you might be surprised at how many accomplished ‘Gangers have endured a real clunker of a season start. In some cases, a couple clunkers. To wit:

WORST SEASON STARTS	Year	Start		Final Record
		Won	Lost	Won	Lost
S*Heads	2017	0	8	2	11
Straight Outta The Commode	2024	0	7
OverThinkers	2009	0	7	3	11
It’s All About The U	2021	0	7	5	9
Straight Outta The Commode	2019	0	6	2	11
Juice	2016	0	6	4	9
It’s All About The U	2014	0	6	6	7
Buckguys	2015	0	5	3	10
Dollz	2022	0	5	5	9
Fartz	2007	0	4	5	7
Hurt Locker	2021	0	4	6	8
Dollz	2023	0	4	5	9

Wow, those teams were really terrible, I can hear U say. But what about the other side of the coin? Who’s had the Best Start in league history? I’ll give you the top three, as far as I can tell:

BEST SEASON STARTS	Year	Start		Final Record
		Won	Lost	Won	Lost
Hungry Possums, aka Straight Outta The Commode	2004	11	0	12	1
OverThinkers	2010	9	0	11	2
Juice	2004	7	0	7	6

Now here’s some real “Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln” kind of shit.

• In 2004, Juice limped into the playoffs after that great start, where he met Commode (then known as Hungry Possums). In the two-week semifinal, Juice beat Andy 201-183. (Juice lost in the Finals to Boulder Surfers.)
• Then, in 2010, a 5-8 Juice met OverThinkers in the playoff quarterfinals, where he eliminated Thinkers 87-84. At least in 2010, Juice had the good grace to go on to win the title.

Let’s all give a big James Gang welcome to Straight Outta The Commode, who joins us courtesy of his naming rights holders, The Three Stooges. It’s not the first time Andy’s been rechristened over the years, but it’s the first time his (or anyone’s) nom de guerre has been ceded to another ‘Ganger. But apparently that’s what happens when you score just 73.88 points … and lose by 58.58.

Andy’s not the Lone Ranger here, of course: Commodes were one of five ‘Gangers to score less than 77 points in Week 3. Heavy Flight (76.24), Hurt Locker (71.08), OverThinker (70.98) and Hounds (67.72) also came up way, way short, Worse (for them), their opponents went way long: Buckguys beat Flight by 30; Juice beat Hounds by 49; The U beat Thinkers by 55; Stooges as noted beat Commode by 58, and Dollz beat Hurt by 68 (a new Blowout Bonus mark).

Because the Big Bads beat up so ruthlessly on us Little Sisters of the Poor, Week 3’s total scoring — while down — isn’t that much of a drop-off from previous weeks.

• Week 1 saw us score 1500 points with 10 teams hitting the century mark
• Week 2 had 1483 total points and 9 teams with 100+
• Week 3 had 1457 total points and 9 teams with 100+

And here’s the twist: you know all those “oh woe, fantasy scoring is down this year” stories? Like the one I wanted desperately to write here? Change of plan. Our scoring this year is the highest it’s been since 2020, and more teams are hitting the 100+ plateau, too:

• 2024 has 4440 total points scored in the first three weeks, with 28 teams hitting 100+
• 2023 had 4346 and 21
• 2022 had 4075 and 17
• 2021 had 4418 and 26
• 2020 had 4642 and 27

How to explain? Certainly the advent in 2023 of fractional scoring has inflated scoring, and we’ve enabled more D/ST impact as well. D/ST has been a team’s leading scorer in three games so far, its second-best scorer in four games, and its third-best in three. Is that a good thing? Those teams are a combined 5 – 5, so… maybe?

How about those Kickers? “It’s a Field Goal League Now!” concluded Defector a couple weeks ago, and sure enough kickers are making their mark here, too. They’ve led a team’s scoring in one game, have been second five times, and have been third thrice. But, your record when your kicker is one of your top three scorers? 2 – 7.

Maybe we’re just getting smarter? Especially with replacing significant players with significant injuries, of which there’s been a ton already this season. Alabama Men, for example, have had to juggle the loss of both their first- and second-round draft picks, yet their total scoring over the first three weeks is fourth-best since 2020. On the other hand, Three Stooges are relatively injury-free so far, and can boast the 10th-best three-game start since 2020.

At any rate, here are the teams who’ve scored the Top Ten total points in the first three games since 2020. Keen-eyed observers will note that Jim, Tom and Haydn each appear twice on the list. Also, 2020 was a helluva season for scoring.

1. Heavy Flight, 422 points, 2022
2. OverThinker, 397.96, 2023
3. Alabama Men, 394, 2020
4. Alabama Men, 386.78, 2024
5. Heavy Flight and Katy’s Brother, 378, 2020
6. Juice, 374, 2020
7. Hurt Locker, 370, 2020
8. Hounds, 364.94, 2023
9. Hounds, 355, 2020
10. Three Stooges, 350.58, 2024

It’s been quite a couple weeks for Fartz. Week One, the team is our high scorer with 142.88 and features thirty-burgers from two contributors (Jayden Reed with 35.10 and Anthony Richardson with 30.08) in a closer-than-it-looks 12-point win over Hounds. (If Haydn’s Brandon Aiyuk isn’t on a pitch count, who knows what happens?) Then, in Week Two, Fartz posts our lowest score of the week (and season, so far) and loses by 63.68 to the new guys. Yes, Three Stooges are on the board (and undefeated!) with the early lead in the Blowout Bonus standings.

That swing of about 80 points makes for a pretty wild ride, and it takes a remarkable equilibrium to keep one’s balance. And consider this: If Fartz lands somewhere in the middle, between the 143 high and the 64 low, it’s still enough to have outscored nine other teams in these first two weeks. That ain’t nothin’. It’s what I’d be telling myself, anyway.

The pundits have weighed in on our Draft, and for some of us it’s pretty, pretty good. For others, ehhhh … not so much. Here’s now ESPN grades us right out of the gate:

FantasyPros takes a different view. “Different,” as in obviously more thoughtful and well-informed:

And finally, there’s Football Guys. Good on us: 13 of 14 teams graded out at a B or better. And nine of us have, at least, a better-than-a-coin-flip chance of making the playoffs. Damn, we’re good.

			Playoff Probability Range
	Grade		Low	High
Juice	A		78%	90%
Hurt Locker	A-		72%	90%
Hounds	A-		72%	90%
Flight	A-		69%	85%
Stooges	A-		67%	85%
Bama Men	B+		64%	85%
Thinkers	B+		60%	80%
The U	B		55%	80%
Buckguys	B		53%	80%
Pain Train	B		46%	75%
Campton	B		43%	75%
Fartz	B		40%	70%
S*Heads	B		38%	70%
Dollz	C		16%	60%

Tee Up, Tee Off!

Once again, we’re using the FedEx St. Jude Championship to determine the order for our Aug. 27 Draft at 9.00pm EDT.

Each team was assigned two of the top 28 players (as determined by their FedEx points on Sunday, Aug. 11). Here’s how you got your guys:

• An alphabetical list of owners (by first name, Andy to Tom) was randomized 14 times.
• The Spin the Wheel app was used to then assign the top 14 golfers
• The first two steps were then repeated to assign golfers 15 through 28, although this time the list was reverse-alphabetized, Tom to Andy.

UPDATE: After Chris (Katy’s Brother) left the group after the golfers had been assigned, his two guys were given to our new member, Rich Dest. He inherits Wyndham Clark (ranked #5) and Taylor Pendrith (#25).

Everyone’s golfer teed off on Thursday, so there was no need to replace any withdrawals.

UPDATE: There is no cutdown day in this tournament. You’re stuck/blessed with your guys.

Ties will be broken using the following tiebreakers:

• Most eagles
• Most birdies
• Most bogeys
• Most double-bogeys

Draft	Team	Golfer	Seed	Rd 1	Rd 2	Rd 3	Rd 4	Par	Total	Eagles	Birdies	Bogeys	Doubles
1	Juice	Hideki Matsuyama	8	65	64	64	70	– 17	263
2	Hurt Locker	Xander Schauffele	2	66	69	67	63	– 15	265
3	Buckguys	Scottie Scheffler	1	66	65	69	66	– 14	266
4	Flight	Sam Burns	28	67	63	70	67	– 13	267
5	Campton	Robert MacIntyre	17	67	66	70	65	– 12	268		19	7
6	Dr Dest	Wyndham Clark	5	68	69	67	64	– 12	268		16	2	1
7	Thinkers	Billy Horschel	27	68	65	70	67	– 10	270
8	The U	Akshay Bhatia	15	69	68	66	68	– 9	271		18	9
9	Dollz	Patrick Cantlay	11	72	67	66	66	– 9	271		15	6
	The U	Tony Finau	14	69	66	68	69	– 8	272
10	Hounds	Jason Day	23	72	67	65	70	– 6	274
	Hurt Locker	Christiaan Bezuidenhout	22	70	66	70	68	– 6	274
	Dr Dest	Taylor Pendrith	25	65	71	71	67	– 6	274
	Flight	Collin Morikawa	4	68	71	68	67	– 6	274
11	S*Heads	Justin Thomas	19	67	70	71	67	– 5	275
	S*Heads	Russell Henley	13	68	68	73	66	– 5	275
12	Bama Men	Byeong Hun An	12	69	70	68	69	– 4	276
	Dollz	Davis Thompson	24	72	66	72	66	– 4	276
	Thinkers	Ludvig Aberg	6	71	68	70	68	– 3	277
	Campton	Sungjae Im	9	69	70	70	68	– 3	277
13	Fartz	Tom Hoge	20	70	69	73	66	– 2	278
	Bama Men	Matthieu Pavon	16	65	73	72	68	– 2	278
	Hounds	Sahith Theegala	7	70	69	68	71	– 2	278
	Fartz	Shane Lowry	10	70	68	70	71	– 1	279
	Juice	Chris Kirk	26	64	70	71	74	– 1	279
	Buckguys	Brian Harman	21	69	66	75	69	– 1	279
14	Pain Train	Sepp Straka	18	71	67	71	73	+ 2	282
	Pain Train	Rory McIlroy	3	68	73	74	74	+ 9	289